**This article has been originally written for and published on Elite Daily last year, when I was going through a breakup**
He’s a musician. You work a 9-to-5.
He has the soul of an artist and wants to travel the world. You are planning on starting your own business some day.
He’s young and restless. You have been through many experiences, and feel open to stability.
He’s handsome. You’re hot.
You just can’t help it. You fall for him.
You know, deep down, that your relationship has no future. But you still fantasize over those “what ifs.” You know you will get your heart broken. Yet, you set the butterflies free.
You are happy. You are also sad that he makes you so happy. It would be so much easier if he didn’t make you feel that beautiful mess inside of you. It makes you sad that these feelings will be your own death sentence. But love is addictive, and love doesn’t give a f*ck about due dates.
Would you sabotage your present happiness just to avoid suffering later? It’s difficult to say. But you are allowed to choose to be vulnerable and uncertain if that means breaking down walls to indulge in honest feelings.
Two months in, you feel he’s getting colder. You ignore the signs, and you always look on the bright side. You tell yourself you’ve been out of the game for too long. Maybe you’ve forgotten how to play it.
Young men these days can have more moods than restless women do. While all these thoughts swim freely in your head, you suddenly realize you haven’t heard from him in two days.
It’s Saturday evening, and you like having your weekend plans scheduled ahead with a day’s notice. But lately, you’ve become open to spontaneous invitations. After all, you don’t want to scare him with the planning for the next day: He might feel he’s been caged. You check your phone, and even end up blaming yourself for getting too busy and not texting earlier.
He gives you a random excuse the next day, and all is forgiven. But your strength can’t hide your worries, and you confront him about what’s going on between the two of you.
“I don’t want to get into a relationship with you” is the next thing you hear. Sounds like getting dumped. Everything after that just becomes noise.
Your soul feels like it’s breaking into a million pieces. It’s a real physical pain.
Your mind just starts working at full speed, with ups and downs for the next several hours, days and weeks. You find yourself waking up in the middle of the night, crying for no apparent reason. Only your heart knows why you’re so upset.
Here are 89 thoughts that go through your mind after he tells you he doesn’t want a relationship and you are basically getting dumped:
1. What did you say?
2. There is silence because you are on the verge of tears.
3. Why do you look so handsome while you’re telling me to basically f*ck off?
4. Try to keep it together, woman. You’ve prepared yourself for this.
5. Who am I kidding? How can you ever prepare for getting dumped and heartbroken?
6. Did he just say he’s f*cked up? Please, not again. I’ve heard this before.
7. Why do I always fall for the screwed-up guys?
8. At least he didn’t say anything about being in love with his ex. Here I was, overthinking that he isn’t over her. I am so good at seeing the silver lining.
9. Wait, is he really over her? I guess I’ll never know.
10. You did not just say you want to focus on your career. That’s the most cliched excuse to get rid of someone without getting blood on your hands.
12. I want to focus on my own sh*t too. It’s called prioritizing, and I’m obviously not on your list.
13. You want to learn how to be single. Are you serious? We are all in the search of a soul to connect with at the end of the day, and you want to go to bed by yourself?
14. Man, you seriously need to get your sh*t together.
15. I am so awesome. I can’t believe you can’t see it.
16. It’s your loss.
17. You are drawn to me because I am strong and independent, but that doesn’t give you the right to f*ck me up. I have a heart too, you know.
18. Wait, do I feel tears in my eyes again? I have to blink faster to make them go away.
19. I can’t open my mouth at this moment, or I will burst into tears.
20. Maybe we can make this work. I mean, we are both independent. Who needs serious relationships? Commitment is so overrated.
21. Why do I always fall for the f*cked up guys? Do I have a special radar?
22. I so want to hate you in this moment, but I can’t.
23. Don’t kiss me. It just makes me melt.
24. Sh*t. You kissed me.
25. Put yourself together, woman.
26. I wonder if we can be friends with benefits?
27. After all, we have the best sex ever. It’s amazing.
28. Can I do this?
29. I can already see bricks piling up around my heart. It’s time to get back behind the wall.
30. Why did I allow myself to feel all this?
31. Why did you start all this if you didn’t even like me?
32. Stop kissing me. You’re making it more difficult.
33. Can the heart literally bleed? It definitely feels like it is.
35. I’m so having deja vu.
36. Repeat what your therapist told you: “You will be rejected many times in your life. That doesn’t make you less valuable.”
37. Oh, I am so valuable.
38. Am I so valuable that I don’t deserve happiness?
39. Damn it. Why do you make me so happy?
40. Damn it. Your eyes just make me melt one more time.
41. Damn it, damn it, damn it.
42. Am I doomed or something?
43. Let’s stop thinking about all this for a second…
44. Wait, why did I wake up in the middle of the night?
45. Are these tears? What happened that made it hurt so much inside? Did I have a bad dream?
46. Oh, it wasn’t a dream. He did say he doesn’t want to have a relationship with me.
47. How could I be so blind? It was pretty clear. He didn’t invite me to hang out with his friends, he never pronounced the word “we” and he always changed the subject whenever I suggested doing something together.
48. Yet, we spent so many beautiful moments together.
49. Yes, you did put up walls between us. You’re not an open book in the way you’d like to think you are.
50. Yes, I did let my walls down for you. I’m not sorry. It was all worth it.
51. OK, maybe I would prefer this if it didn’t hurt so much, but it’s proof that I still have a heart.
52. Why does it hurt so much?
53. I wonder if I can block my feelings somehow, and turn this into a casual thing.
54. Come on, I can do it. I can sacrifice my feelings for temporary happiness.
55. Can I?
56. It would be so much easier if I could hate you right now.
57. I should become the bitch I kept threatening to be. Then, we will just hate each other, and the pain will be bearable.
58. Why do we have so many things in common?
59. I can totally be a bitch. It’s in my nature.
60. I will make a list of his flaws. I saw it in a movie, and it theoretically prepares you to get over a breakup.
61. Speaking of movies, the one I saw the other day, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” somehow seemed so familiar. I wonder why.
62. He’s just not that into you.
63. He’s just not that into me?
64. Then what the hell is this?
65. I am so confused right now.
66. Confusion hurts too.
67. Can I pretend to be good at this “friends with benefits” thing?
68. Little does he know that relationships freak me out too. You can easily lose yourself in the wrong relationship.
69. Who invented relationships, and all this mess around them?
70. Better yet, who invented feelings? All you get in the end is pain.
71. You know that saying, “What goes around comes around?” I’ve been on the other side of this sort of partnership, and I know what it looks like.
72. I hate comparisons. Being compared to the ex is the worst thing ever.
73. After all, we are all different. No situation is identical to another.
74. OK, maybe it is similar. So, I know what it’s like to be the one who steps on someone else’s feelings.
75. Well, now I know what it’s like to have my feelings stepped on, too.
76. This will make a great story for my blog. Writing is therapy.
77. One week without any signs. It’s like not being able to read the writing on the wall. Who am I kidding?
78. He’s just not that into me.
79. All my emotions are just screaming in my face, pain included.
80. I will probably have to be the one to rip out the patch and make a decision.
81. But what is the right decision?
82. There are no right or wrong decisions in this game.
83. It’s about how much I want to be happy, both long-term and short-term.
84. If only I could play it cool for a little bit longer.
85. I am confused, even when I question my feelings.
86. Why do I always have to fall for the f*cked up guys?
87. Why can’t I fall for the guys who fall for me?
88. Is it because I enjoy the challenge? Man, I can be so masochist.
89. How much longer will it hurt?